Hurt

 

We try hard not to hurt people. We promise ourselves that we never want to be the reason behind someone else's tears and heartache. However, in that process of trying not to hurt people, we end up hurting ourselves. Self-sacrifice so to say. How odd is that? One might find it as being "too kind" or "very considerate". I used to be "one" . However, I now have a different take on it.

Putting your feelings last. Being unkind to yourself. Making excuses for people. Blaming yourself for everybody's reactions and feelings. All that, actually, is a toxic trait. The only difference is that you're being toxic towards yourself and it is undoubtedly an unattractive look. It is not cute and certainly isn't admirable and worth boasting about.

I hurt someone, not intentionally obviously, but hurt them I did. I was putting myself and my feelings first. For once I considered myself first and what I wanted and did not want. I communicated how I felt at the risk of knowing that I will be hurting someone. I took the risk anyway because what I was not going to do was to please the next person at my expense once again.

See, I've been hurt a few times before. I've accepted situations, people and behaviors that no longer served me but instead left me bruised, literally and figuratively. I was being considerate I thought. I was being nice. I thought putting their feelings first would somehow give me this badge of honor. At whose expense perhaps? Mine of course! The thought of someone walking around with a broken heart was enough for me to put my feelings deep at the bottom of the barrel. The thought of someone hating me because I had hurt them was enough for me to stay and accept less than I deserved. It was enough for me to invalidate my feelings and lose my worth.

But because of years of self-discovery, I decided to be a little selfish. The thing about spending some time alone (like a really long time!) you get to know exactly who you are. What you are about. Where you're going. What you want and do not want. What you are willing to tolerate and what you aren't. This, of course, comes with a cost: the cost of letting go of people (and hurting them in the process) that do not align with who you are or with what you want. The biggest lesson I had to learn is being okay with hurting these people that no longer served me and aren't aligned with who I am. I had to accept that I will not be everyone's favorite. I am not going to be liked by everyone. And I needed to be okay with that. And I am OKAY with that. Even Jesus was not everyone's favorite. Who am I to think I can be liked and appreciated by the whole world?? 

I appreciate the people who value me and who constantly remind me of my worth. People pleasing and trying to accommodate the whole world chips off your self-worth bit by bit. And it is not the "whole world" that is chipping it off, YOU ARE. You are not valuing who you are. Dare I say, You are not loving yourself the way you're supposed to. 

I hurt someone. I felt horrible thinking about the hurt they would experience. I felt even worse after they had expressed the hurt to me. I felt like I had ruined their lives somehow. I felt responsible. I took the blame and made it my fault. I couldn't bare knowing that I have caused someone else pain. 

But here's the thing: hurting people and being hurt by people is a part of life whether we like it or not. We are all HUMAN and very unique in our design, thinking and reasoning. And of course that would cause conflict and disagreements amongst us. However, no matter how hard we try avoiding the hurt, it is inevitable. It will happen. And we need to be okay with it happening. 

I am not encouraging anyone to go around hurting others. But I do want to say that you will probably hurt people in your lifetime, whether intentionally or not. My plea, however, is just that you remember your worth and walk away when what is in front of you does not align with who you are or with what you want and know you deserve.

Yours in health

Gracie